


Specters

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [9]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Kissing, Complicated Relationships, Drunkenness, POV Elim Garak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 07:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16782823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian breaks and Garak tries to hold the pieces together long enough to figure out what they both need.





	Specters

**Author's Note:**

> While this series has a vague order, this work comes *directly* after Notes from The Heart and should be read after that.

It’s three hours after Garak leaves the infirmary that the crew from The Louisa boards, their ship in ruins. The crew fares no better, the smell of ash and blood filling the ship and sliding through the vents and down to the bridge. In the end, only five people of the 12 brought on board survive. It’s not a high death toll, as far as wars go, but from the whispers Garak hears, it’s one of the bleakest so far.

It’s four hours after when his shift was supposed to end that Julian finally comes stumbling into their quarters, smelling of a bizarre mix of anastethic and alcohol. Julian looks up at him, eyes wide and desperate as he practically launches himself from across the room and onto him, long limbs wrapping around his body like it is a life preserver. Julian’s hands dig into the lapels of his vest, nails dragging across the velvet raggedly. Then Julian leans forward, breath hot against the scales along his neck.

Garak presses a hand against Julian’s palm, firm and just holding Julian back from sliding his mouth down the side of his neck. Dear, I think you’ll be very embarrassed in the morning.”

“I don’t get embarrassed, Elim.” Julian’s smirk feels more like a promise as he glides his hands down Garak’s chest, coming to rest against his waist. Julian stares at him desperately, leaning in again as though to catch Garak’s mouth with his own, eyes hooded and desperate. Garak reaches up with one hand and grabs his shoulder more roughly this time, holding Julian back and away from his body.

“I’m sorry my dear, but no.” Garak’s voice is tender but firm, swallowing a little as Julian slumps beneath his touch. Julian curls in on himself, neck bent and arms wrapping around his chest so his hands spread out on his sides. Julian shudders a bit as he takes a few steps back, eyes shut as though he can’t face Garak or the ship right now.

“Really, Elim? When we’ve both wanted this - well something like this - for years?” Julian splutters and there should be an acerbic edge to his words, a teasing. There’s none, each word like a desperate plea as Julian slowly inches back. Garak watches, keeping his face still as Julian finally collapses onto their bed, arms crossed body starting to shake a little. “Or maybe you haven’t? Maybe this was all just a game for you?”

It hasn’t been a game, though Garak isn’t sure if they want the same things or if Julian wants what he thinks he wants. Garak only wants his company and his conversation, wants to hold him and be held, to press soft kisses to those lips and see that adoring gaze he knows he doesn’t deserve. Julian claims to want only the physical, but Garak’s always wondered, each spy holosuite makeout or flirtation interrupted before it leads to the foregone conclusion. He wants the adventure and romance but -

Now is not the time for those thoughts. Not while Julian comes apart piece by piece in front of him. Garak comes to stand over Julian, brushing one hand across his cheek gently and voice little more than a whisper. “Julian.”

“Please just do _something_ for me, Elim. Please.” Julian grabs at his arms again, pressing his face against his chest and breathing in deeply. Garak expects to feel wetness, but there is none on his shirt or Julian’s cheeks, gaze empty of tears.

“What is that you want my dear?” Julian asks as he slides down onto the bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him forward so Julian rests between his arms. Julian takes a few ragged breaths, the scent of alcohol heavy in the air between them.

Julian shakes his head against his chest, hair messy and hands wrapping around him and clinging to him like a life line.

For a moment all Garak does is hold Julian in his arms, no words passing between them. Then Julian pulls back just a bit, so he can look up at Garak more fully this time, lips pressed into a thin line of determination. His lips are shaking as he speaks, words coming out too fast and eyes flickering across is face without blinking. “Just make me feel. I don’t care if it’s good or bad-”

“I’m not going to hurt you, Julian.” Garak cuts him off before Julian can go anywhere further down that path, before he asks Garak to be the man he cannot leave behind but is not with Julian. Garak pushes Julian back lightly so he can he can grip the edge of his jaw and make Julian look him in the eye, thumb pressing against the edge of his bottom left. “No.”

“Oh, of course you’ll slam me up against a wall when it makes _you_ feel better,” Julian snaps and this time his words are acerbic, flickering gaze now resting squarely on Garak’s face. Garak swallows his hurt and offront, the tenderness of Julian in that moment made raw and ugly, and lets out a deep breath instead. There are tears gathering in Julian’s eyes now, a shudder that speaks more of impending tears than the slow loss of self from a few moments ago.

“Julian.” Garak’s voice is firm, gaze searching as he meets his Julian’s eyes. They’ve been on this carousel of exhaustion and grief and an unnecessary but understandable guilt since they set foot on the Defiant, interspersed with moments of genuine happiness or bursts of optimism. It’s no surprise adding alcohol to the mix would lead to a crash. Garak knows that Julian won’t begin to understand himself or heal until he stops going around in circles, until he breaks.

Garak’s just afraid for what Julian will become when he puts himself back together again.

“I’m sorry, that was cruel - I didn’t mean - I’m sorry.” Julian chokes out and this time it is a sob, tears sliding down his cheeks. At first they’re slow, hazel eyes cloudy with them, but then they come out in a rush of shuddering hiccups. Julian’s shaking, his lean frame suddenly seeming smaller than as ever as he brings his knees up to wrap his arms around them tightly.

“You’re not yourself.” Garak tells him gently, for once no lies in his words as he rolls to his feet, crossing the small space from their bed to the dresser. He can feel Julian’s eyes following him, hear the low hitches breath. He reaches into their top drawer, pulling out a worn brown bear, the stitches on one arm starting to come loose again. Garak crosses the few feet back to the bed, pressing Kukalaka against his chest. “Here.”

“Is that why you don’t want me anymore?” Julian’s voice has lost any edge, muffled and contrite as he wraps one arm around Kukalaka and reaches the other out towards him. Julian looks so terrified that he’ll walk away and Garak swallows and shakes his head softly. He slides into the bed next to him again, taking the offered hand and pressing his own over it like a promise. They will survive this. Julian’s empty smile doesn’t agree with him. “Because it’d be like kissing a ghost?”

“No. Not a ghost. Someone who’s just a bit lost.” Garak corrects him as he leans down to press his lips against each bony knuckle. Julian watches him, tear tracks still visible on his face as he lets out a shuddering breath.

“Tell me when you find me.” Julian’s voice and smile are strained from tears, barely more than a whisper as he leans in and presses their foreheads together. This time there is no desperation when he slides his arms around Garak’s back, face pressing into his shoulder as though to hide.

Garak wonders if Julian would ever forgive him if he asked the captain to give him leave. Then he decides it doesn’t matter.


End file.
